Was in denial and just finished another bender, I’m ready to stop brain fog for over a year

Im 18 and have been smoking since 13 on and off. Toward my junior year of highschool i began getting myself accustomed to getting absolutely shitfaced when i came back to pot after two years because my tolerance was extremely low and i was still having pretty potent weed. This over the last year lead me to chasing getting so hammered i couldn’t function every time i was high, for a time every day until i gave myself extreme brain fog that made it impossible to function for months. I quit at this time but didn’t realize i had a problem. In my head weed was a safe drug that wasn’t going to hurt me even though i knew it gave me brain fog that made my anxiety unbearable and i stuck in denial thinking if i stopped until the brain fog was done then i could go back and use responsibly. I did this rotation of waiting a month to recover then going buying a cart or two for a bender and finish them in 1-3 days.

It wasn’t until now since Ive been going so hard not only do i have brain fog and memory loss but my personality changed with things that have been fundamental for me. My motivation is gone completely and I’m just low dopamine at the moment just having finished a bender. my dad tried to send me to rehab and i thought it was ridiculous because it was “just weed” but it took me until now to truly want to quit, I’ve told myself plenty of times i need to but never really believed it. Nodding out all of class last week and getting called out in front of anyone there was a wakeup call.

Im so ashamed of myself that i didn’t realize this sooner but addiction runs in my family so I’m glad was smart enough to never try anything harder or who knows where i would be. Im so sick of losing progress on my cognitive function returning and healing my brain and dealing with the insomnia and panic level anxiety afterwords, for the past 6 months it doesn’t even feel good anymore i feel as if i need something harder when I’m already blacking out from weed which was obvious to me that i had an issue. Ive been so protective over it in my mind that weed is my perfect little tool for fun which it was when i was 13 or so but in ashamed of starting so early as well. Im sorry if this seems cluttered or doesn’t make sense as it takes a lot out of me to write this with my head still impaired this is my way to vent as i have a lot of trouble talking my issues out to others about this